i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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