I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
