They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Randomize
