im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
