i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
