Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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