I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
