I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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