She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.