Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.