When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
