Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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