just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
