I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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