I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
