Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize