i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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