You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
