When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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