Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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