He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
