I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
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Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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