I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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