the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
