He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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