Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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