You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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