The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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