His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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