i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i think we sleep fucked last night...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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