I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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