I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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