I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
what day is it and did you see me today?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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