i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
