Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
