I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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