so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
