Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
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there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
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what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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