there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't put those talents on a resume
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
