You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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