i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
