Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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