Moan for me like Helen Keller
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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