Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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