Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
