I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
