had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
