I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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