Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
