And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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