Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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