the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
