Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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