'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
